Nanny Golightly

Dana writes: I have been a nanny for a single dad for about a year. The dad is constantly referring to me as "family" and has crossed boundaries many times. He shows up to my house unexpectedly, takes me (and the kids) out to lavish dinners, buys me luxurious presents, such as a Tiffany necklace and brand new TV (as a way to thank me), and has tried to pry into my personal life more than I would like. I believe his intentions are good but I can't help feeling uncomfortable. I think there are definitely boundaries that should be established but I don't know how to tell him this. Any advice?

Answer: You're right to feel uncomfortable. Those types of lavish gifts are inappropriate and put you in an awkward situation. Also, under very few circumstances should your employer be showing up unannounced to your residence! As much as we nannies feel like part of the family at times, the bottom line is we're not. It sounds like this dad is treating you more like a wife or girlfriend than his employee and it needs to stop. Your question is the tricky part. How do you bring this up without making things more awkward? The next time he tries to give you a gift that you deem too personal or romantic, you could say "I'm so glad you appreciate me but I can't accept this gift. It's too much." If he insists, simply say "I'm sorry, I don't feel comfortable accepting this." He might act a little hurt or frustrated but you will have made your point in a polite and professional manner and you can hope he will re-think his gift giving next time. (Employers, want to make your nanny happy and show your appreciation? Cash is king. Nothing, and I mean nothing, beats cash gifts. Unless you know your nanny's specific taste and needs, the next best thing would be a gift card to her favorite shop or restaurant.)

If he wants you to join him at dinner in order to help with the children, that's fine, but perhaps next time he wants to take you all out to a restaurant, offer to cook for the kids at home, or suggest a kid friendly restaurant that isn't expensive or fancy.

I can't think of any reason he should be showing up at your house, unless you have arranged for him to drop off the children. If he shows up at your house uninvited again, simply say "Would you mind calling me before dropping by? I'm not always prepared to greet guests and perhaps I could help you with something over the phone." When he starts asking personal questions, try to give one word answers. Keep it brief, and try to steer the conversation back to the children or your other work duties. If you try all of these things and you still find him crossing boundaries, you may want to consider looking for another job. Your comfort and safety at work are important and there are plenty of nanny jobs out there which offer both.